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 i have passion. passion breeds respect. i don't measure what people think of me (because in the end, does that matter?) but in the wonders i see in the people around me. it brings up a swell of emotion. emotion, passion, respect beholden me. (or is it the other way around?)

this is why i admire feminine beauty, will, strength. (and not in this order). 
the peccadilloes of petty vanity bother me. who says one is more beautiful, more powerful, more splendid at 29 than at 30? where do we learn these things?
the bodies that people are presently chasing after aren't beautiful. they're more aged than women triple the age and who are lighter of heart. 
it's the spark in your eye people love, not the smoothness of your skin.
i was told these tales. as a child, i believed them, and parroted them. i now know them to be a falsehood without the wisdom of an old woman's learnings. once, i never thought my breasts' cleavage would wrinkle. now it has, and i rejoice. why? because.... i have lived to see them wrinkle. i want to celebrate every wrinkle i get. 
why would anyone want to die in their prime? 
those who do usually have no interest or desire to. they want to live, but that choice is taken from them by a chance or a cruel, maybe foolish accident. 
these people are loved because they fought to live, but they only seem to be remembered because they died young. 
was romeo and juliet a story about love? no... it was about accidents and foolish pride. the one who won was the girl who Romeo desired and immediately forgot while he was at play with friends in his enemy's home. 

and liars....
there are people who believe lies so fervently they don't even realize (or can't believe) they are lies anymore. perhaps they become beliefs? one mate, one love, one home, one life? 
one ring?
one lie multiplies. 

and some who remain children and are wounded children in mismatched bodies. they are scarred by the life an adult must live with a child's mind.

if. if i had a certainty.

well. if i had a certainty of happiness, love, pleasure, and the pull of true attachment tugging me right behind my navel... i might risk it.

i might even risk this racked, disease-infested, mutation-filled, drug mutilated body of mine. ....but that wouldn't be fair, just to appease my own desire to feel motherhood.

after the initial feeling, it would be a terror to find myself completely not up to the task. (or, dying before the child was established, alive, healthy, and an adult.)

i don't think i could do motherhood. the experience would be not what i wanted.

*a home birth would be out of the question. 
*the experience would severely be detrimental to my health, something my family have striven for so long to keep, at the very least, stable... and at the very worst, alive. 
*unknown effects of the drugs i am currently on and cannot go off, and the possible long-term effects it might cause on an innocent infant. (that, i would never be able to forgive myself for.)

this, all this, and, selfishly... i think i want to experience a birth more than i want a child. 

and, of course, surrogacy is out of the question for me. 

i think this is why i am interested in studying to be a birth coach. 

i'd prefer being a doula, but that is impossible, seeing you would need to have experienced a birth yourself, physically, in order to qualify. 

...i suppose this is why the urge to become a doula or a birth partner would be my second best option? 
gosh... that'd be an amazing experience. just to see the experience might be enough. 
as per usual, i wish i was well enough.  they might not take me on the basis of uncertainty of health! 
maybe one day. 
it's certainly on my list of things to do while i live. i mean, swimming with DOLPHINS? fuck that! :-)


i find it important to remind people about the Dallas nurses. what happened to these two people, and the organizations they work in.. it exposes the punches made through the delicate lacework in health care. 

they need protocols put in place, or else it's given opportunity to spread (as feared). they need to understand what they're dealing with and have a reference point, written down, to show them what to DO when dealing with the agent. (not read about it online). it's as if people are assuming the nurses were lazy... when really, they were just doing what they had been told and trained, and eventually advised. 

would you want your nurse to be basing your treatment protocol on what she's read on the internet or what she's seen on the news? 

it sounds like they had NOTHING. probably the bare basics for a hospital, but there's so much more. look at the hot zone footage on the news! if a hazmat suit is needed, well, DO IT. write it down and provide it.
we're talking nurses, doctors, technicians, cleaners... they ALL need this kind of protocol control and knowledge on how to work it.
this is the kind of thing they argue about, discuss vapidly, and have endless meetings, arguments, discussions, teaching sessions over in education. my mum is the education manager of section at Fraser Health, and to have it done properly, it (or ANYTHING) NEEDS to go though this process. a fly in the ointment can cause a HUGE problem if it's not acknowledged or ignored, not documented.
those who are in charge of those nurses are to blame, not the nurses or their unions, or the patients they tried to look after. 
nursing is a dangerous job for this reason. 
EVERY job has a set of guidelines on how a situation is to be approached, dealt with, even just to protect those employed. 
Dallas didn't do this. i imagine many other cities, states, provinces, towns haven't, either. 
this is something people at the "top" are supposed to be focusing on. 
i can't help but wonder at it, though... even at my local biomedical place, they have visible guidelines warning people who have travelled to the affected countries to present themselves at the desk immediately for proper coverage, and to protect the technicians. they had this paperwork up over a month ago, before Mr. Duncan, and before the Dallas nurses story. 
:-( i really hate this "evaluate this situation" game even i am playing. 
i can't help it.
it's just a shame that the richer countries fell into hubris, in SPITE of (or BECAUSE of) all they have...and how little they really care about the people they employ. 
it's just laziness. this reflects on the state of modern health care. it's expensive to do it right, and takes commitment. 
this offends me. :-( it's NOT hard to stop the spread with proper cautions put in place, but they have to be written and provided. 
once you get an agent that deserves the fear it inspires and can't be dusted easily away (as it has been in the early part of this year, and from past outbreaks), you HAVE to prepare for a fight. 

some huge changes need to be made. 

06 October 2014 @ 01:43 am

 this was.... a LONG, long time ago. 

i'm going to have to have a good think and type up the health escapades that have happened in the past year. 

thankfully, there isn't that much to note. 


i post most frequently on my Facebook account. (and i know a few people here don't use Facebook, or if they do, infrequently, and i totally get that.)

myself, i'm not comfortable with the whole cross-posting option. 

so... i am going to have to focus and try to post here again. 

more to come. 
16 September 2013 @ 10:39 pm
.... as i referred to it while he was taking the sample.
(he wanted to make sure i wasn't in pain).

that part never hurts for me. it's always the speculum. "clickclickclick". urrgh!
odd, that.

and it's TRUE, too, from what they said in Ab Fab.
they look at your cervix, but can't look you in the eye afterwards. odd. what's the big deal? it's not as if i was Annie Sprinkle doing a performance piece.

i swear, they don't do PAPs in the UK in stirrups. you're on your side. i wonder if it's done with a speculum as well... hmm!
15 September 2013 @ 04:06 pm
 i have decided. 
if i ever, EVER want a child, i will adopt....
or ask my sister to be a surrogate. 
i'm sure she would if i was desperate. 
...thing is, i'm at the stage of my life where children, babies, are in the forefront because it is, or has been, for many of my friends for a few years. i didn't really examine this part of myself until i saw people like me having kids. many of the CFer parents i know ARE my age, or even younger. as for having one, it never occurred to be it would be a possibility because of the CF and Crohn's. if i did it, i think everything down below would be pretty well destroyed if i went the natural route (which the docs would be against)... and the meds i'm on, not good for babies and their development in utero. 
even though i have had a few wonderful examples, i don't think it would be wise. 
i have the interest. how can i not? i'm SO proud of the CFer mamas i know who have done it. i'm SO amazed at their children and their beauty, and of course, i  see a lot of young CFers, even in utero. (at a distance, of course, via internet). 
people do seem to take this as a fact that "my biological clock is ticking" and i have the urge, but strangely, i don't. i know for a fact i love my quiet life and a baby within it would probably make me crazy. one cog in my brain goes nuts if i can't have silence or quiet time, and you don't get that with a baby. what if the emotional ties never developed? it can happen. and once you HAVE a baby, you can't go back. you have another life to consider for the rest of yours. 
i've also seen the emotional highs and lows from the CFer mamas who have sick kids. :-( dying kids, kids who are RIGHT now having lung transplants. (one boy is nine. imagine that- NINE! i freakin' hate the bugs that destroy our lungs.) 
added to the fact to HAVE kids, you most likely have to have a partner and have sex, and sorry.... no interest. i think i'd sooner do IVF, and i think it would be important to have some sort of support in a partner. i don't think i could be like my mum and do it all on my own after a nasty divorce, working with two little babies.
also, i have rather odd ideas of children needing to be conceived in passion, rather than perfunctory fucking. the concept of THAT is offensive to me. conception is such an unconscious matter to begin with- passion is NOT needed, but it just feels like it SHOULD be, you know? 
i know. not reality. but i've seen couples do the whole impatient "tired of waiting.... MUST have baby so sex must be done right now due to temperature and ovulation" thing and the concept just offended me SO much. if you're going to HAVE a baby, why shouldn't it be fun instead of just lying there, waiting for "the right time"? you might as well make him cum into a cup and use a turkey baster, except the other way is just faster and simpler. just... UGH!
i don't mind mamas taking folic acid and their vitamins... but when they take vitamins to try to "predetermine" the sex of the child, that's when it gets weird. 
of course, i wouldn't be on my own, really. i'd have my mum to help me with a baby. she'd be delighted, and angry, and scared. 
there'd be arguments. she would be 100% against a pregnancy in my body because of the health problems and long-lasting impact. 

i guess people are just expecting i should be DOING these things because they're the "normal" way; the flow of life. but my life's NOT normal, and i don't think it ever has been or ever will be. i don't mind that. 

it's a shame that a doula has to be a woman who has given birth. i think it would be awesome to be one. you're a part of it for a while, then you part, but it's an episode of your life forever. 
to support someone through that time in life, of a child's life, before and after would be AWESOME. 

i think it would be one of the coolest things to be there during a birth. i'll have to see if anyone would be interested in having me nearby. as antisocial as i am, i like to think i feel the "vibes" of things and the sway of changes of mood, feelings, and the concept... it just seems awesome. 

i wonder if they have male doulas. 
14 September 2013 @ 12:03 am
i may need to start an official Jeremy Brett collection. i have the Sherlocks, of course. i recently acquired "Jennie", where he plays Count Kinsky.
i'm sure i have many Brett aficionados out there.
any suggestions for good drama?
i'd probably go for My Fair Lady, but his singing was DUBBED! :-(
i can't think of anything else offhand he was in.... it's just my brain.
13 September 2013 @ 01:14 am
i find paintings infuriating at times.
i get drawn in by one painting i see while reading geneologies online. i look up more paintings of the same subject, and find similar loveliness.... but different eye color. different face shape. sometimes the two have no similarities at all.
i LIKE consistency! i know the whole point of painting was/ is to follow a fashion in the times. looking at any painting from any time proves that. and yes, some eyes have colors that change.
but when you get to the point of having no reliable evidence of how someone looked, truly looked... it's so frustrating!
it keeps HAPPENING to me.
i always think of Lely's quote to Cromwell from Horrible Histories: "How much, Sir, would one like to look like, Sir?"
good ol' Cromwell, warts and all. i should see if there were more paintings from that time in England, even if it would have been seen, no doubt, as entirely frivolous and sinful.
i love me some good ol' verism. ahhh!
03 July 2013 @ 02:58 am
strip away any old gauzes and undies.
shower body to freshen everything.
check skin with hands down below for superficial peeling skin (skin doesn't like fistula drainage and reacts).
go back to shower to scrape/exfoliate the dead skin away with exfoliating gloves and soft foot brush. rinse clean.
dry body with hairdryer and washcloth. 
examine below (fistula, sore spots) with fingers. (to judge where balms are to be provided).
choose calmoseptine pommade and apply to fistula and anal area, as well as tender spots exfoliated. 
apply nystatin cream to vulva. (w/ finger condom)
tuck makeup cleaning pad above fistula to catch drainage (close to anus, too, in case and drainage comes from there).
find Tena breathable knickers and cotton shorts. 
insert ovule for vaginal health (provacare ovules), rinse equipment. 
attach enviro-friendly pad to tena knickers.
tug on.
wash hands well.

(ladybits in disarray due to lowered immune system, fistula drainage, antibiotics. even oral fluconazole x 3 days produces partial results)
11 June 2013 @ 09:40 pm
 Liberals/NDP. Liberals, NDP. 
politics exhaust me, but when the party in question may be involved in the funding of K, it goes a little beyond EVERYTHING. 
i have a feeling the the NDP would be more open to fund the drug that is, right now, giving me a reason for living, since they have been very open-minded and supportive of me in this current fight. true, no one makes promises in light of an election. 
the Liberals? i highly doubt would do this, even if there are children involved who would benefit. bloated government officials and medical cut backs don't exactly seem to be eager to cover a 300,000 a year drug. then you think of the past, and see: NDP/supportive healthcare. 
Quebec didn't do it, so why would they do it here?
as i say to people, so many countries said no initially, and were forced to change their minds due to public outrage. 
so, once my own medication runs out and i exhaust every other avenue at my disposal, i either have the option of moving to another country that does fund it or suffer. 
wait for the symptoms to return... which they would, immediately.... as they did with the Crohn's, once that medication stopped working. 
the very concept wants me want to take up defenestration as a temporary hobby. 
even at my most desperate moments, i'm vividly aware i'm out of control and immediately do something about it. wouldn't it be nice to be a fainter? you'd faint, OMG, people would see to you, get smelling salts and coddle you. i'm always the opposite- vividly awake and aware of everything. 
i'd leave scars on the ears people who delve into politics, that's what i'd do. especially those who decide these things. there so little else i could do. 
today has not been a good day. 
my dad's been diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis. funny, huh? they think it might be connected to one of the previous jobs he did years ago. with this, it can go badly quickly, or be no problem at all. i think, since he IS well and only has a little patchy spot, it might be the latter, but who knows. 
my nan had it, caused by a medication to correct irregular heartbeat. her death was cruel. it actually reminded me of Bob Flanagan's death.
could i go through a death like that again? nan demonstrated terrible symptoms before.
what are the odds to two people SO different having exactly the same disease? tell me, what ARE the odds? no genetic connection, no similarity in physicality, nothing. 

is this what happens when politicians get involved in the funding of medications, when the costs are high? WOULD they even get involved with this? i honestly can't see how they wouldn't.