that's just it. i'm PUZZLED.

i know at least one of you have expressed an interest in seeing some of my work, but i was just looking over what i have scanned into my computer, and i.... i don't know what to show you.

i have photography, both film and digital, black and white; drawings (all medias). (i have, of course, done paintings and printmedia, but i haven't scanned or taken photographs of those, stored on my computer... normally, i would just present the work itself). projects, parts of projects, and projects not completely settled yet.

i'm just not sure which to show. i like it all, and am proud of it all.

any thoughts?

what a crappy mood. where did this come from? lack of entertainment?

what brought me out of it was how considerate Tri-City computers was. not only did they save my pictures, entirely, but ALL my music, too. everything was practically ready to go, with very few things to change! it was great to go and rediscover what was in there, things i'd long forgotten about.

stupid, stupid, stupid.

was doing some stretching last night. did a stretch that involved my legs over my head. well, long story short, did my neck in. heard, felt a HUGE crack. but, afterwards, there was no pain. today, back is a little sore, and neck, but so far, nothing too bad. taken something for pain, in case, and waiting to see what it does.

i guess it shows how out of shape i am. i've ALWAYS been able to do this particular stretch.... now, i guess my abdominals and back just aren't as strong as it used to be. need to change this.

so.... last night, my computer fried.

my dad says it was a programming error, but either way, i need to take it into the shops. i'm not sure if or how long it will take to sort out. so, i'm using the one at my mum's for the interval, and i'm only going to check in once or twice a day......ZOMGSSS! ~snort!~ so, we'll see what needs to be done.

in the meantime, thanks for your birthday wishes! :-) i shall do my best to behave myself.

this is an early shot at "today"'s post. i expect i'll write more, but i wanted something definite down for today.

i figure i should post, seeing this clock wheel turning, and something else. people have told me when they reach 30, they freak. but me, i can't help but look at it with hope, since my 20s, although so good in so many ways.... well, let's face it, they stank. not what i expected at ALL, and not what i wanted. then again... i guess i never knew what to expect.
it's true. if you've got nothing, you've got your health. but, if i linger on "what may have been", i'll have been wasting my time. it was what it was, and for the time i spent on what it was, it came off all right.
i am scared, too, if i admit the truth. for the unknown, for the uncertainties, for my brain in encompassing them.
most of you, you've all known me for a long time. i hope i've improved for the better, and tried to squeeze my brain to higher plains. it doesn't feel that way to me, but we all know we're hardly the best judges of ourselves. we're prejudiced.
maybe in "finding higher plains", we try to stop being ourselves.
well, bugger that. i don't think i can be anything but.
my 20s have taught me to live, if not strictly "why", but because i want to. maybe the 30s will teach me how to love.
i'm going out to supper tonight, and it sounds like i'm going to be spoilt for books- thank goodness! who needs ipods or telly when one has books. imagination helps... but booooooooooks!
and, right now, i'm watching gary oldman playing sid vicious, dancing with the three "putti" before going off in the cab to the great beyond.

so, i got a phone call.

it was the pacific lung center. in speaking to one of my respirologists (drW, who heads CF research at st.paul's), he's said he wants to have me screened anyway.
he seems keen to go forward for it, since he considers me an excellent candidate.

.....just. GODDAMN. i'm a volume turny button. up HIGH, then low. i'm going to play this a great deal slower this time.

i'm refusing to get excited or believe it's a cert. it's simply a screening. i talked to the same gal i talked to before, and we went over my meds together. there's a 4-page list of meds one isn't supposed to be on, so she needs to check them all, by hand.

AND, since writing the above, she's just called back. she went over the list of medications, and the only one hanging out that may need to be changed, IF i'm to be screened, is the.... rifampin. the antibiotic that's caused so much trouble over the last few months.

i couldn't help but laugh.

so, now i'm going to discuss this with my TB clinic respirologist (appointment on monday), and she and drW will have to chat, to see if something can replace the rifampin with something else. there ARE other things they can use... it's why i was so annoyed and surprised when they continued on with the rifampin after the fall, since i KNOW there's other things that can be used. trick is, would they replace it? when you're having problems with antibiotic side-effects, doctors often just tell you to suck it up, since they see the side effects as a temporary evil for the benefits of the long-term effects the antibiotics will have on your health.
and, the rifampin only worked for me because i had other people to offer suggestions, and my own attempts at trying to find the proper space between it, and the zoloft.

i'm not sure they'd change it, though. if something works, even with the side effects, they usually stick to that. and, there's no guarantee the other antibiotics (ones that will work with the azithromycin and the ethambutol) won't be on the forbidden med list. it's just something they'll have to work out for themselves.

i've also been reminded.... this is only an open space to try a medication. in a year, this medication may be available for everyone with this mutation, outside the realm of "testing". it may even open new doors for people with the two simpliest genetic combination for CF... which means being able to treat the whole CF population at large, and aid them in getting well in a more overall sense. part of why i've been keen to try it, it's down to my family wanting to see if it'll work, and how well (it also doesn't get in my way of my own ideas of treatment for this disease. i don't approve of genetic alterations, and this is different, since it treats the source rather than messing with the genes.) and, if i HAVE this mutation, i might as well do some good out of it.... if possible.

i have this feeling, however, that the screening won't go forward. if the meds work, and they ARE, it's unlikely they'd change the treatment. the clinical nurse said, it's important not to change anything that would have a derogatory effect on your health.

so. rar.

AAAUUUUGHHHHHH!!!!!


I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT THIS!!!!! WILL THESE WRITERS BLOCK THINGS PLEASE STOP OBSESSING ABOUT DEATH!?!? I THINK ABOUT THIS EVERYDAY, AS IT IS! IT'S NOT SOMETHING I WANT TO WRITE ABOUT HERE, THANK YOU!!!

THAT is as far as i'm gonna go. ~huffs!~

AVG keeps sending an ANNOYING pop-up, trying to get me to update before the free version runs out.

(of COURSE, the free version is available once the new version is out...... BUT A POP-UP?!?!)

does anyone know how to get rid of it? i've had a look, tried one or two things, but it's still popping up, slowing my programs down when i'm doing something else. makes my whole system freeze.

mrawr?

i began writing this list, because i thought of those lists people make. "things to do while I live", "things to do before i die", etc. these lists, to me, seem rather depressing.... since, myself, if i MADE a list like this, knocking the items off would depress me... and i would only find different, harder things to try. AND, the most interesting things that happen, happen on the way to goals, or by accident. so, i thought, make a ten-year attempt at accomplishment list. this'll give me the opportunity to try a thousand things on the way.

so, the next ten years. what can be done to make them interesting?

i've spent almost the last ten years ill with something or other. trying to finish my degree, and getting sick. so, i hope, i suspect, the next ten years will be better.
so, my ten-year list, subject to change and be added to at my own convenience.

* bathe in the Ganges
* support the rehabilitation of a child soldier for (at least) a year
* watch a cheetah run
* be present for a birth
* write something of substance, and if possible, continue writing (if it doesn't corrupt my mind)
* visit Pompeii and Herculaneum (always been fascinated with these cities)
* see Stephen Fry in a play, or live television show, or something similar
* make a difference in the world of treatment for CF (and Crohn's, if possible), through body and mind.
* one birthday, buy EVERYONE presents... presents they can use!
* visit Germany
* visit Italy ( i know pompeii and herculaneum are in Italy, but these particular cities are from a different time. Venice, Padua, sure, but DEFINITELY Rimini)
* take nanny's and grandad's ashes to family cemetary in Hull, and deposit ashes
* visit Scotland again. See the University of Edinburgh
* visit Tahiti

there, well. that seems ambitious enough to keep me happy.... and many of these are do-able, especially if given enough time.

there's one or two other things.... like this! it's something i can't immediately press to DO, or make concentrated efforts to do.... but if it happened, i'd like to do THIS.

* IF i win the lottery, ever, give gifts to friends and family, and find a worthy cause to donate to... like a scholarship for the chronically ill.